An Evil as Old as the Galaxy
by Perfectly Maple
Summary: Jessie is out to prove her partner's sexual orientation, lest her little heart burst with the hatred of the ultimate cliche. Rocketshipping nonsense and/or smut.


**AN: Well, look at me. Not only have I ventured out of the SpongeBob fandom, but I've ventured out of my yaoi comfort zone. I can't believe my fragile slashy loving heart is attempting het! What is going on here? Is this some sort of alternate dimension? Oh well. My sad, sad attempt at rocketshipping (it's been a while since I've actually watched Pokemon, so I'm sure this is very OOC and uncanon).**

If there was one thing Jessie hated, it was being unoriginal.

She would rather die than be a recycled cliché, choosing death over the agony of living as a stencil of a poorly sketched character on some day time opera.

Which was why this hurt all the more.

She hadn't meant to fall for James! I mean, how fucked up is THAT? Falling for your coworker/best friend? Those kind of things were just too . . .fluffy. Blegh!

But that wasn't even the worst part.

The worst part was . . .

James was gay.

Uber gay.

Richard Simmons fucked by Rosie wearing a strap on gay.

She hadn't signed on for the fag-hag-falling-for-her-fag shtick. Hell NO! That was too humiliating!

But James was so pretty and well groomed and . . . well, he was practically a woman. A woman with a penis. A rather large one, judging from the bulge in his rather tight uniform . . .

No, no, NO! Falling for a queer was one thing, but sexually fantasizing about him? NO! She would NOT succumb to THAT! Jessie was much stronger than her libido! She was a member of the elite Team Rocket, number one crime syndicate globally (at least in their own minds). She would NOT, I repeat, NOT ogle James and his hot, glorious body.

But look at that tight little ass. So cute and firm and begging for her to just walk over and slap it . . .

"Are you alright, Jess?"

"Huh?" Crap, crap, crap, crap! He'd caught her staring, hadn't he? "Of course I'm alright, idiot! Why do you insist on asking such moronic questions?"

"Why do you insist on being such a bit-"

Mallets were nice, especially when pulled out of thin air. He whimpered, slinking away from her lest she decide to strike again. "What was that?" She hissed.

"Nothing," He mumbled, plopping onto the couch. He eyed her warily as she followed suit, sitting beside him. "Where's Meowth?"

"Who knows?" She shrugged.

"So it's just us alone?"

"Yeah."

"Oh." He stood swiftly. "Well, I'm gonna go polish my bottle cap collection!"

More like polish his dick over some yaoi, she thought dejectedly, watching that happy little ass skip away from her. Why did she have to be saddled with the sexy man-boy faerie? Just her luck. Cassidy got that ugly hetero (well, bicurious) mo-fo, Butch, and SHE gets stuck with the fudgepacking nympho beauty queen.

Not that he'd ever actually told her of his sexcapades. James kept all that to himself.

Come to think of it, he'd never actually told her he was gay, either.

The flicker in her stomach startled her momentarily. Could it be . . . perhaps James WASN'T a Nancy boy? That maybe he was just really, really feminine? Could it be?

No, she knew deep down. James had to be gay. He just HAD to be! What with that purple-blue hair, and the crossdressing, and the sultry voice, and those cute little pouty lips. And with an ass that nice, he just HAD to be someone's uke. He was too perfectly manufactured for anal sex. Like he'd just come out of the "yaoi fantasy squad" sex factory.

But maybe . . .just MAYBE she should just test it out, just to make sure.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Hey Jessie, I made us some hot choco-WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING???"

"It's Shift My Shaft: Director's Cut. Have a seat."

"Jess . . . is this . . . are you watching porn?"

"Um, it's gay hentai, and yes. Yes, I am."

The scream blasted (literally, this was the money shot here) male on male on male, threesomes and t-bagging and circle jerking. A total sausage fest.

"I don't really think . . ."

"Come on, James. Sit next to me and watch this. It cost me an assload on pay per view. Literally, an ass load-look at THAT!"

"I really don't feel comforta-"

"SIT THE FUCK DOWN!"

And so he did, mugs of hot chocolate splattering to the ground as he plopped beside his partner in crime, face completely red in shame. "Why are you watching this?"

"Why wouldn't I? Don't you think guy on guy is sexy?" Here it came. His nose bleed, any second now-

"Not really."

"Don't be shy, Jimmy! Ooh, look at that! Damn, I think he just dislocated his jaw."

"Jessie, I REALLY don't want to be watching this."

"Oh!" She realized suddenly. "Would you rather watch it alone? I understand. I'll leave you to you privacy." Wiggling her eyebrows, and leaving behind a bottle of vegetable oil, she quickly scampered away, locking him in with the cum shots and throaty moaning.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The TV was shut off when she finally snuck back in. And James was quiet. Perhaps he'd fallen asleep?

No, she could hear him, the closer she got. Moaning and sighing and shoulder bobbing up and down. . .

"So, you liked the movie?" She said chirpily, giggling mentally as she watched him gasp and attempt to put his business away.

"J-Jessie! I didn't hear you come in here . . ."

"You're lucky it was me, not Meowth." She surveyed his sweaty body, the pink flush along his nose and cheeks. "So which scene got you so worked up?"

"None. I didn't watch that movie," He said huffily.

"Uh huh . . .hey, what's that?"

Because James appeared to be holding something behind his back. "It's nothing!"

"Oh, a skin mag, eh? Give it to me!"

"NO!" He backed farther into the couch, eyes wide and sweat furthering on his body.

"Hand it over, James. Partners share things."

"NO!"

"James, don't make me get the mallets out!"

"NO!"

He was no match, though. Despite being larger in volume than Jessie, she always was stronger, easily overpowering the lithe man. "Now let's see just what you were whacking it to . . ."

It was a photograph.

A photograph of . . .

Of . . .

"Me?" She said smally.

He turned redder, not replying, falling deeper into the cushions.

"You-you were jerking off to ME?"

The smallest of nods, tears welling in his eyes.

"You were thinking of ME while you spanked it?" Her eyes glistened. "That's the SWEETEST thing you've ever done, James!"

Peoples were finally united within our nation, as the coworkers violently joined lips, Jessie just as dominant in this as she was in their work lives. Was it possible for a woman to seme in a het relationship? She didn't care, reveling in the mewling from her partner, his hands slowly lowering onto her dominant body, hand stroking at her hair tentatively.

"EW! Don't!" She pulled back. "I don't want your nasty jerking hand in my beautiful hair!"


End file.
